BREAKING NEWS: Red Sox Bats Still Missing

Dallas, Texas - The Boston Red Sox have filed a criminal complaint with local authorities after their bats have been missing for almost a week. There is some confusion as to whether the bats were stolen in Toronto, Canada, where the Sox played over this past weekend, or here in Texas. A spokesman with the Dallas Police Department, Sgt. Wayne Tolleson, said a full investigation is under way. "Having played a 'lil rawhide meself, I have to think these boys are jus' strugglang but the Dahlas Police Depahrtmunt will invessigate this case to the fullest," said Sgt. Tolleson. Red Sox manager Terry Francona officially filed the complaint after watching his team lose to the Rangers by a 3-1 score. In the loss, Francona's team only managed six hits. Last night's loss was the team's fifth consecutive defeat, going back to the weekend in Toronto. They Red Sox have only managed to score 2, 1, 3, 2, and 1 runs in the losses. "I'd love to chalk this up to a slump ... a good old fashioned scuffle ... but this is something worse. My boys just are better than this." Francona stammered, "This has to be a criminal act. There is no way that Pedey, Youk, Papi, Back Bay, 'Tek, or any other of these guys would struggle for this long a time period. This is a criminal act." Knowing the investigation is under way, Francona also stated that the Red Sox would drop all charges if the bats were returned to the team before they begin a weekend three-game series with the Baltimore Orioles at Fenway Park tomorrow.